I love having AHA moments! The ones where you can never again look at the world and perceive it as you had previously. I had a quite enlightening conversation with my hair this morning. Yes, Illumination can be found everywhere! I should be used to Understanding coming in odd and unusual manners nowadays, but I quite enjoyed this giggle inspiring manner in which I shed more light on my life. I for certain didn’t think I’d be having a conversation with my hair when I woke, but I’m quite glad I did!
What did my hair have to tell me so boldly this morning? It told me, in no uncertain terms that I can no longer hide from Myself. Not ever. None of us can really, though we try, oh boy do we try! I ran for decades, until I finally just got tired of running. Running around, running in circles, running for cover, running for the door, running from myself, running to myself. Running running running, and just never getting anywhere…or so it seemed.
I did a damn good job of running and believing that I needed to run. I was bound so tightly in ALL of these wonky beliefs. I never FIT anywhere, it seemed. I always thought I needed to be better, smarter, faster, fitter, leaner, stronger, prettier, richer, worthy, AND I always wanted straight hair! God I wished and wished and wished I’d been born with straight hair!
Why couldn’t I just have hair that would behave?!? Hair that would do as it was told! Hair that would lie in a chic and sober ponytail, neat and smooth and sleek. You know, proper hair! Not this wild and unruly mop of locks I came in with. This crazy springy mess that always has a mind of its own. That defies containment at EVERY turn! That rejects smooth and polished and proper and instead cavorts gaily and merrily about my head in any ol’ manner it feels like. Even when I stuff it all up under a ball cap, it still springs free quite like the unruly weeds that refuse to acknowledge the sidewalks laid over them. Gleefully oblivious to my angst, my hair has always lived in wild abandon. My hair has been trying to tell me something for years and years, it would seem.
“I am free!!” Spake my hair to me, and I hated my hair for being so free, for not conforming. For not doing as it was told! For not being smooth and shiny like all the pretty girls, with their pretty straight hair.
“Behave! Why can’t you just be good!” I yelled at my unruly mop and my unruly mop merely laughed at me, as it continued its unrepentant dance about my crown.
“No,” it said simply. “I did not come here for your rules and regulations!” And off it cavorted, in any and every direction it pleased. I continued my quest to tame my hair, looked for straighteners and flat irons and went about my war of the locks. Nothing worked, not permanently anyway. I was born with curly hair, I was born with a curly soul too, I just didn’t fully realize it until this fun conversation.
I quit straightening my hair about 4 years ago, quit coloring it too. I decided to just let it go, just let it be the wild bramble it was going to be anyway. Wasn’t a fight I could win, I finally realized. Thus we get to this morning and my delightful conversation with my curls. This morning I pulled my hair back in a tight ponytail, to keep it out of the way, so I could get about my business of getting things done and this one springy curl defied containment…yet again. Didn’t matter how many times I pulled it back it sprang up. SPROING!! Not the first time, happens ALL the time, actually, I just happened to notice it because it’s right at my temple. And its quite pronounced. And I sighed and rolled my mental eye and thought, sheesh, defiant little curls, why can’t you just behave! Then proceeded to rolled my actual eyes and walked away from the mirror, muttering under my breath about my unruly hair. Yet my curls spoke back to me as I walked to another room.
“I represent the truth of you, silly woman, the infinite spiral of your awareness you came here to explore. I defy your need for organization and order. I defy your quest for sober reflection. I am the wild bramble in the fields, I am the merry chase round and round, ever higher through yourself. I am the wild, uncontained spiral of the storm that defies any structure the mind erects. I am the expression of the freedom OF YOU!!! Can you SEE that? FINALLY? I rise up out of you, from you, I AM YOU. I represent the you, you have long been seeking! I am joyous abandon, I am uninhibited expression, I am creation drunk on itself spinning itself ever higher! I am ALL the things you ARE, yet would never allow yourself to be. I am wild! I am free! I am unapologetic for my chaotic grace and nonconformity! I am beautiful and wild and ever rising, I am me!”
And I stopped dead at my desk and then sat down quickly and grabbed up my pen. What more might my unruly mane impart? Never mind for now that I’m talking to my hair, I scribbled furiously, in an attempt to keep up with my curling thoughts.
“You shall never contain me, not ever, you cannot. Sure, sure you can douse me with more chemicals, or iron me out flat, yet always I come back. Always my true form emerges! Always, underneath it all, I am me. Are you listening? Do I FINALLY have your attention?”
“Yes, yes, I’m listening unruly mop, what else?” I urge, with great affection, pen poised, a smile on my face. And believe it or not my hair smiled back. 🙂
“I know you saw me, I felt you wake up to me, to the abandon and the joyous defiance spiraling out from your crown. Hear me now, my human, I am not the Lorax, I don’t speak for the trees. I am you and I speak for the soul from which I spring. I came to spin, I came to twirl, I came to cavort gaily about in the most unruly, unfettered manner! I am the defiant curl of your very soul seeking expression and I’ve always rested at your crown, always out here for you and any one else with the eyes to see! For I AM you, my darling, the wildest, freest, most unfettered expression of you! I defy your constant quest for sobriety and conformity and control and NORMALCY! Oh barf! Come on sister! Take my lead, follow my example!
Set yourself free, well and truly free! Be who you are! Unapologetically, unashamedly, don’t hold back any more! Stop apologizing for things you didn’t do. Stop apologizing for what you did do. LIVE! Stop trying to escape from who you really are! You ARE a wild moon child, you were born under the waxing light of an unfettered moon. Born in the dark, to explore the dark, and so you’ve explored your life. Cavorting through the darkest parts of a soul, always with your gaze cast upward. Always seeking the light. Always wishing for the sun.
But, my darling human, you ARE the light, you are free! As free to be yourself as no one else on this lovely world can be, because all the other me’s are taken, and they are busy exploring and being their own version of Me. All with their own defiant curls they are either listening to, or not. So take the example I’ve been giving you since you became this lovely human being, be you, unapologetically, brazenly!! Boldly go where you have never let yourself go before! I am your defiant curl and I am with you always, and I shall always, always, always be free, care to join me?”
Thus sayeth my hair, and I laughed as I wrote. Because…well, my HAIR was no longer just taking up space on the top of my head, its magic was curling and cavorting about my brain pan as well! Who knew I could find insight into my soul in my locks? My locks, which have held the keys to who I truly be? Or perhaps that’s just me, and I’m quite mad…then again… 😉
That’s how far away Freedom is. It’s that close. “I could never be so far as to be near, for nearness implies separation.” We are not separate from Freedom, it lies a mere PERCEPTION away. It’s a choice, a simple choice! (And possibly a conversation with your hair.) What might you have that has been seeking your attention your entire life? A physical aspect, a personality quirk, a tendency, a preference, a dream that will not leave you be? Something you’ve long overlooked , or perhaps wished was different, “God if I could just CHANGE this aspect, or that aspect…how perfect would my life be?” Try embracing it instead of pushing against it, you chose it after all, maybe not on this level of your awareness, but nothing comes to you by accident. It’s a reflection of something you are trying to tell yourself. Talk to it. You might just hear an answer. 😉 Until next time…